So… I used to work in Chicago…. but then I found out there was a hash going on Sunday afternoon. Showing up at the Kettle Valley Station the usual assortment of miscreants were gathered around. And as always, everyone but the hare, which this week was Spermbank. Eventually she blew into the parking lot in a cloud of flour and we got underway. There would be three, no two, no three hymn checks, and Trivia! We think. After giving her a modest lead we sauntered off in hot pursuit.

Not long after starting we came to the first Hymn Check behind the Events Center. Our hymn was ‘I used to work in Chicago’ with about 15 verses that we somehow managed to screw up everytime. Off we went again and ended up doing our best ‘Chariots of Fire’ imitations along Okanagan Beach. Hymn check #3 was behind the Sicamous and yes, it was another chartbuster from those folks in Chicago. The next check led across the channel and it was at this point we lost HardToSwallow who was either bitter about his past employment in the Windy City or disoriented as he walked south.
The rest of the group entered what is known as ‘The Senior Zone’. An adult complex where everything looks the same and there appears to be no exit. After 15 very long, scary minutes we emerged on the other side nearly losing life and limb crossing the highway.

The hare was definitely feeling energetic as the trail led upwards onto the KVR trail. We realized this might take awhile so Shunty quickly started gathering spare sammiches lying on the ground and Long ‘N Hard began entertaining herself by playing with balls, big and small, the Queen of Balls. Eventually we climbed up onto a bridge and then down the other side back on the KVR. Strange. No marks seemed to lead any further along. We were almost convinced that we’d been running this backwards until Stinky casually mentioned that he could see the Beer Check from here (looking at the water cistern perched on the mountain high above us). The pack reformed ranks and being true to style, half the pack zenned and half the pack followed the hare’s trail.

After arriving at the Beer Check, the Zenners enjoyed a 20 minute relaxing sit in the sun watching the other group (who looked like ant specks) climb up the hill. Eventually, everyone got back together and trivia sheets were dispersed. The questions had a KVR theme which puzzled most, especially after the beer. Finally, everything answered and cacti removed from various body parts we turned and headed back pub-ward where Spermie (and HardToSwallow) awaited.

Downdowns were handed out to:

Spermie the Hare - For taking us to the top of a mountain for a beer check, trying to get us lost in a seniors complex, and giving us yet another tune we can’t get out of our head.

Shunty - For a grandmaster of the PH3, he almost managed to call everyone by their non-hashing names. In particular, he was obsessed with ManTracker’s proper name. Hopefully this will be a passing thing.

ManTracker - For showing true FRB style by blowing past a hasher mark on the bridge. We suggest a remedial walking course as penance.

JustKirsten - Another FRB aligned with ManTracker, she nearly led the pack across the busy highway to their doom with her AWESOME burst of speed that noone could hope to match. Made me a bit nostalgic about my tender years playing Frogger in the arcade.

Stinky - For not zenning to the beer and instead leading half the pack on an extra 20 minute excursion following his spouse’s (hare) trail.

Long ‘N Hard - For being unable to write her name (Long ‘N Rode?) on the top of the trivia sheet.

JustKirsten won the trivia contest and everyone lived happily after, but not in Chicago.

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February 14^th marks the anniversary of many historical events: the 1929 St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, the 1949 Asbestos Strike which ushered in Quebec’s Quiet Revolution, Horatio Nelson’s victory in the Battle of St. Vincent in 1797, and of course the birth of Florence Henderson. It also marked the Shiggy Duster’s first improbable mission hash. Would they catch the hare? Lose the Olympic Frisbee of Love (OFL)? Or sail away on the Love Boat?

Our hare, and secret agent of love, Goatbag gave a quick chalk talk, handed out hymns and a mysterious ancient Mayan device known as a “kah-set-pla-yer”. He then, confusingly, asked for a two minute head start and instructed us to listen to the recording “in four minutes.” Two minutes later the pack heard “Charlie” tell them to heed the secret instructions once the appropriately marked check was reached.

The pack set off in pursuit but that quickly came to a halt while Pole Jockey climbed onto a building’s roof to retrieve Shunty’s errant OFL throw. Once back on trail, Pole Jockey unerringly nosed out the trail, aided occasionally by the directions of friendly townsfolk. It soon became obvious that the light spring breeze was making it difficult to throw the OFL with any accuracy. This did not prevent Hard To Swallow from trying.

The trail meandered through the down town side streets until the pack reached a big H check by the big peach. They assumed that this meant hymn check and entertained passers-by with a beautiful hymn set to the tune of the Love Boat theme. Unfortunately the very next check proved to be the actual hymn check so the pack listened to the soundtrack “Charlie” had provided and enjoyed the view on the end of the romantic pier.

The trail led past the art gallery and Philty’s house. Unfortunately no beer or curry was provided. Instead the pack climbed up Vancouver hill where they ran into a smiling Mudhoney (remember her?) who was returning from a morning’s biking. She agreed to join the rest of the hash on her bike and even solved a check or two.

The pack bit on a dreadful back check up a long flight of stairs though it should be noted that had virgin hasher JustMegan been a little bit faster she could have prevented the detour as she had been on the correct trail. The correct trail soon ended at a beer check at the track. Along with beer and candy, the hare also had a multiple choice Valentine Day quiz. We discovered that Hart wrote the lyrics to “My Funny Valentine” (Chet Baker’s version is the gold standard). We also discovered that Pole Jockey can cover 8 feet in one big step and a little faster than Speed Stick can run it.

Down downs were awarded to:

Goatbag for a shiggy trail, a clever quiz, and some too short short-shorts.

Speed Stick for talking about some competitive event he had attended.

Hard To Swallow for playing with himself. (A little too eager with the OFL)

JustMegan for her virgin hash.

Pole Jockey for his long zen off trail.

Mudhoney for taking her time solving checks even though she was on a bike.

Finally JustTina was awarded her hashing name. On her virgin hash, fellow hashsers noted her uncanny ability to track the male hare. In honour of her tracking skills JustTina was dubbed Mantracker. Welcome Mantracker!

Finally, finally… Hard To Swallow won the quiz (and a box of chocolates which he gave to his wife) with six correct answers. And it only cost him 5$ and a “favour” to the hare.

Finally, finally finally…the Olympic Frisbee of Love’s finally stats were:

13 – 85

125 yards

0 hashers hit in the face

1 building interception

1 car interception

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