[scribed lovingly by Speedstick]
Hash #94 convened at the end of the road at Cartwright Mountain in Summerland, “where the new houses are being constructed.” A certain arriving Hasher (Long and Hard) lamented, “It didn’t used to look like this” and reminisced wildly about her childhood. G-Spot was our illustrious (of course, aren’t we all?) hare, and after a round of introductions for the benefit our three virgins, she delivered a fantastic chalk talk except for the part where she forgot to explain a key concept of hashing – the “check.” It should be noted here that the pack got so excited singing the Virgin song that we completely forgot to bless the hash or the hare before we set off. JustMyranda and JustStan had been reading the Hash Trash and thought they knew what they were in for, and JustRob had been secretly training on hills in advance.

Eventually we started up the trail. (What, this is a dead hare? What do you mean it isn’t fair to chase a pregnant lady?) Shunty led the pack for the first section, until we reached the first of three intersections with no markings. Apparently a devious anti-hasher had come by and erased several checks. The pack was not deterred, however, and by choosing the “up” option at each intersection soon found itself climbing into the stratosphere. Except for Stinky, who zenned away from the pack at some point and was missing for nearly half the hash. The devious (another overused word in PH3 lore) hare had set a course involving unnecessary climbing and then an immediate descent right back to the same (flat) trail, which brought the pack briefly back together. The shig reached new heights of insanity as we scrambled up a 50-degree pitch to find a JCH (Just Cheryl Hold) at the top. The hare knew that JC would be close to the front of the pack after such a hill, and had left a song for her to sing. The few other hashers who could still breathe after the ascent chimed in for a truly horrifying rendition of Tal Bachman’s “She’s so HIGH.”

We started moving again, and it was then that the true Battle of the FRBs began. JustStan seemed determined to unseat JustCheryl from her throne as “most likely to lead the pack and be silent at the same time.” The two of them solved about 6 checks in a row, causing the rest of the pack to run long distances without a chance to stand on a check and rest. The rest of the pack amused themselves by trying to count the different ways the hare marked the trail (on trees, rocks, dirt, just to name a few). Eventually the trail led straight through the bush, causing several Hashers to whine about how the grass made their legs itchy. Suddenly the trail turned into concrete, and the hashers tried to imagine themselves on a winter luge course until they reached the TC, or Trivia Check, with a nice view of the valley and train track. A train was coming by and blew its whistle a number of times, but the Hash Flash hadn’t been seen in a long time so no photos were captured. Eventually the HF staggered into view, claiming to have “gone exploring” and nearly dying in the process. We all made abysmal attempts at answering the trivia questions, then sat around avoiding running until it became obvious that Shunty was stalling on his quiz and the hare ordered us to continue or we would all fail.

Fortunately the beer check was nearby, also with a nice view. H2S made a ridiculous show of lagging behind through the entire hash, then sprinting at an obscene pace up the steepest hill of the hash when he saw the BN sign. (Note: racing a hasher named SpeedStick up a hill is not a good idea.) A minor mishap occurred when it was determined that there were not enough beverages to sate all the Hashers (this being our largest hash in several weeks), but the pack was good-natured about it and enjoyed the view instead. After the beer check, we headed back to the trailhead to circle up. Just as the first down-downs were being poured, a torrential downpour chased the Hashers into one of the conveniently located partially built houses. Songs were sung extra loudly over the rainfall, and down-downs were awarded as follows:

G-Spot: For a hill-filled hash, forcing us to hash in terrible rainy weather, marking everything but the trail, and a quiz that was way too hard

Shunty: For being an FRB for 200 meters and then dying

JustStan, JustMyranda, and JustRob for being Virgins

SpeedStick for being too excited about his spouse’s hash

DogSnatcher for not being vocal enough when calling checks

HardtoSwallow for his obscene display of sprinting after he smelled the beer check

Stinky for zenning and being anti-social (as usual)

GoatBag for rubbing in the fact that he had already run for hours and hours in the morning, and for making fun of pregnant people. Then he (gasp!) hugged a pregnant woman!

Finally, after much ado and long delays, JustCheryl is now “Insatiable,” because she can’t get enough of Hashing, she loves it too much and she’ll do it anytime, anywhere…

Finally (I know, this is getting long) Spermbank laid down new rules about the Hash Shit, which will now be awarded at each Hash. Insatiable was awarded the first Hash Shit for forgetting her own name 2 minutes after the naming ceremony.

(From the Hare) The best trivia answers were:
Shunty: “Silk Panties” winery and “GS and SS got engaged between the sheets”
H2S: “Getting drunk is cheaper when you buy in bulk”
JustMyranda actually got the most answers correct.

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It sounds tough, but this is the Shiggydusters and we’re proud of our ability to get messed up within 5 minutes of starting a hash. It all began innocently enough, a backyard off of Ridgedale, an assortment of unruly hashers and Stinky haring. Oh no, did you say that Stinky was haring? A year ago Stinky and SheepShagger put on the hash that was entitled ‘Lick the Sweat off your Retinas’ as it was that hot, that long and that tortuous. This time it was much cooler and… oh, no, is that Sheepshagger? He was once again visiting and had brought guests in the form of PornoPrick and SexintheBeast. After formalities were dispensed, photos taken and hare blessed, Stinky fled the premises. Roughly 4:50 later the group followed Stinky up the alley. One half block later we’re at a complete standstill. Yay, it’s a Stinky hash!! Goatbag wasn’t quite up on the Stinky School of Marking and with insider knowledge provided by Spermie the group found a check beside something resembling a goatpath down the embankment. Most of the group dove over the edge with glee only to find a falsie halfway down. It was at this point that the group slowly began to disintegrate, note.. only half a block from the start.

Sheepshagger, JustCheryl, and Philthy acted as FRB’s and dashed off into the hinterlands east of Ridgedale Avenue. Some of the rest spotted the X they had sprinted over and tried to call them back. Two returned, Sheepshagger never to be seen again till the end of this sad story. PornoPrick found the trail leading up to the gravel pit and he disappeared for some time, though his bellows echoed with a hint of melancholy amongst the pines. Spermie, JustKirstin and SexintheBeach wisely decided to be turkeys and took a different route, most likely one that involved limousines and crepes. Doing extra mileage, Pornoprick reappeared and almost rejoined the group but then disappeared again not believing that they could be on the correct trail. This would turn out to be a reoccuring theme. With no sign of Sheepshagger, the pack left him to the wolves (poor wolves) and headed down through a series of twisty footpaths and stairs.

Emerging at the top of Duncan Avenue, this somewhat smaller group headed north and then behind McNicoll Park School to the creek. Up to the top of Forestbrook where the trail led through a retirement community. PornoPrick once again disappeared, this time taking MoanerLisa with him. The pack (if you can call 4 people a pack) soldiered on and began a climb up Campbell Mountain in the lightly falling rain. A “BI” check was encountered… later found to be a “Break-In” check with a lovely view of Stinky’s house. More climbing to nosebleed levels before it finally levelled off and then a fun descent down switchbacks to the top of the Penticton Dam. Far below came the shouting of the hashers at the beer check. Turned out the turkeys had done a shortened version and were having fun down below. Pornoprick turned up at this moment but had no idea what happened to MoanerLisa. Not all was lost as Sheepshagger had incredibly managed to find his way to the beercheck. Trust a hasher. After being suitably refreshed the group returned to Stinky’s place where Moaner was found to be snoozing away in the hammock.

Downdown’s were issued to the following:
Stinky the Hare: For confusing the pack in an even shorter time than normal, losing out-of-town hashers, death-defying plunges on trails, I could go on.
JustDavid (and Spermbank) - Just a warm welcome to his first official hash!
Sheepshagger - For uttering a non-hasher name during the hash.
MoanerLisa - Non-hasher names, race talk, not checking at checks and sleeping during a hash!
JustCheryl - Slow the F’ Down!
PornoPrick - For shortcutting the hash and missing the beer check.
Philthy - For running only once this week, having a dodgy ankle and STILL being an FRB.
SexintheBeast, JustKirstin - For somehow managing to get ahead of the hare enroute.
GoatBag - For uttering the dreaded “R” words that we dare not speak of.

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